We Did It 🎉
A BITCH IS 300000!!!!!
Y’all. I fucking MADE it. Survived my 20s — the bright moments, the bullshit, the bold moves. We’re here and we’re ready to show the fuck OUT.
Okay so let’s talk about my birthday dress choices and the meanings behind them, because you already know there was a lot.
This year one of my biggest goals is to embrace and love my body exactly as it is. We get so much messaging that our bodies are inherently wrong — they’re too small, too wide, too soft, too hard, too sexual, not sexual enough, too long, too round, too much of this, not enough of that, we have heard it ALL. And the scrutiny for black women is especially amplified. Our (black women’s) bodies have the unique experience of being despised, feared, fetishized, hyper-sexualized, and imitated, all at once. I in particular spent a lot of time hating my body at worst, dissociating from it at best. Feeling unsafe in it because I thought it was the cause of unwanted attention/advances, feeling unfamiliar with it because I was taught my body is for a man’s enjoyment and not my own.
I’ve been on a years-long journey of undoing that, reclaiming my body and repossessing myself, but this year I’m bringing that intention front and center. I’m committing to letting my body be, letting her exist and show up exactly as she is and saying to her “You are good”. I’m committing to rediscovering my sensuality and sexual-ness as my Self, as a human woman rather than as an object for someone else’s consumption. She’s gonna go out in the sun and get darker, she’s gonna let her tits hang, she’s gonna let her stomach roll up, she’s gonna let her hips spread when she sits down, she’s going to be all of herself, and she’s going to be BEAUTIFUL.
Okay okay so what does that have to do with these looks right? Well my first dress was a yellow, slinky, stretchy, *thin*, spaghetti-strapped bodycon dress with a side slit... that I wore *absolutely nothing* under. It was partially for the sake of the garment, but mostly because I wanted to put these new intentions into practice. I’m not gonna lie, the thought of picking up some Spanx crossed my mind *more than a few times* as I tried her on. I thought “Okay maybe I should get some stickies for my boobs, at least to give them a little lift and cover my nips. Maybe I should grab some control top underwear to smooth shit out, to hide something.” But ultimately I reminded myself, we are celebrating my body. My stomach is not flat, my boobs don’t pass “The Pencil Test” (which I’m pretty sure is an instrument of the Patriarchy anyway), my thighs move A LOT but dammit I’m here. And that in itself is amazing.
With the pink dress, all the same elements were at play with the added note that… honestly I don’t know that I’ve ever showed that much cleavage in my life. And it took a lot of mental work to remind myself that I’m *allowed* to show up like that, (there was no indecent exposure, no nip slips, just a pair of titties being free) AND that me showing up like that didn’t mean I was “asking for it”, “it” being unwanted sexual advances. Which is a lesson I think we all need more practice in.
Bonus note for something else I saw in my birthday outfit choices: I swear to you I did not notice this until like two days before my birthday, but my subconscious definitely chose to wear yellow for the first event and hot pink for the second, not unlike Beyoncé’s Coachella outfit costumes from her 2018 Homecoming performance. I think there’s significance in that because when I watch that special, I am watching someone inhabit all of themselves. We are getting to see what it’s like when someone allows themselves to be big, to take up space, to take their limiting beliefs and shove them. Beyoncé dared to bring a very specific and grandiose vision to life, to get past all the voices telling her “you can’t”, or “it’s too much”, or “it’s too pro-black” both externally and internally. And more than anything this year, that’s what I want to inhabit: getting the fuck out of my own way. And I want you to practice too! Nobody wins when we let ourselves play small, when we tell ourselves to shut up when we have a good idea, when we spend our time denying our deepest desires. That Homecoming performance is what happens when you say yes to yourself and I think we all need to do way more of that.
Please join me in letting ourselves take up space, letting ourselves be as we are, we’re too beautiful and magical to do anything else.
Also, you have to, it’s my birthday ✨