A Jumbled Rambling on Religion and Desire... God Help Us All
You know what, there are a lot of things I don't understand about my religion. I mean there's a reason why I have it sure, but sometimes it feels like a lotttttt escapes my grasp. Recently I've been wrestling with the idea of desire, and what happens when a long held desire goes unmet. I don't mean like wishing for months for a new pair of shoes, I mean like wanting for years to have a partner that you can grow and live life with, and watching that desire continue to go unattended. Or trying for decades to bear a child and seeing those efforts be fruitless. I’ve been sitting with the pain in that—the pain of unmet desire—trying to observe and examine it, but mostly crying under the weight of it. I think sometimes unmet desires feel like physical open wounds. Exposed, vulnerable, easily irritated. And due to their often tremendous pain—especially for the ones close to our hearts—we try to numb through denial or disassociation. Pretending we don’t want the things that we do, or that we don’t want them as badly as we do. It’s self-protection, but the desire remains attached. No more able to be separated from our selves than a limb from our bodies.
There's a verse in the Bible that says "Trust in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart", which already feels problematic to me because it sounds conditional and formulaic. If you do this, then you will get this. And if there is anything I have learned in this near 28 years of life, it’s that there are no formulas. You can do everything “right” and have everything go wrong— I don’t know what that’s about, but I know it’s true. And I’m pretty sure God also knows it’s true, so I’m like who wrote this bullshit? Or what has gotten lost in translation, because I’m pretty sure you can “trust God” and still not get what you desire. Second question: if I don't trust in the Lord what happens? Language like that puts the blame on the reader, like if you don’t get the thing(s) you desire in your lifetime, you must not have trusted the Lord enough. You can start to see where the Church picked up its performance complex, a thing that feels literally antithetical to the Christian faith because it relies on our own efforts rather than God’s grace, so again I ask what is this bullshit? And what does “trust in the Lord” even mean? Is that like a 100%, 24/7, nonstop, full force, constant trust? Because I’m pretty sure no one has ever done that and yet I’ve seen people gain the desires of their hearts, especially with regard to personal relationship and family soooo....
Currently I find myself again grappling with the idea that God is who he says he is and does what he says he will do. Which as I’ve said before, I think is just how having faith goes. Constantly going back and forth between belief and doubt. I’m sorry that it’s not pretty or uplifting, but I suppose realness often isn’t. Maybe at some point I will gain perspective or reach some understanding.... But right now it feels more like a lot of confusion with a healthy sprinkle of frustration and anger. All questions, no answers. Fun fun funnnnn, well anyway! Just came here to toss some doubt around I guess lol. If anyone has any thoughts or inspiration, please feel free to comment below or on my Facebook pageeeee! Love you guys, thanks for bearing with me.