A Friendly Reminder

Okay I can’t believe I have to do this but I think I have to do this. Look, no one is particularly jazzed about the choices we have for president, including myself. On one side we’ve got a raging egomaniac, and on the other side we’ve got Donald Trump. (*ba-dum PSH!* *laugh track plays* Thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be here all night! ;) )

Okay no but really, I understand we are all pissed about our rigged party system. We’re mad that it feels like Hillary was appointed rather than voted in, and that it seems like a bunch of shady deals transpired over the course of the primary to make her the nominee. We loved Bernie, we were inspired both by his ideas and track record, and we were sorely disappointed when we realized we wouldn’t get to see him elected into the White House this time around. I get it. But if you, not only as a Democrat – maybe as an Independent, Moderate, whatever – choose to write in a 3rd party candidate in order to “prove a point” or “stick to your guns”, digging your proverbial feet into the ground, let me be clear: YOU ARE FUCKING ALL OF US OVER.

Listen, this isn’t fucking New Zealand or some shit alright? This is America. We have a two-party system. It may not be the best way to go, it’s 100% corrupt, but it’s what we’ve got. Writing in a 3rd party candidate is essentially throwing your vote away, and throwing your vote away in order to maintain your  personal feelings of self-righteousness and "autonomy" is selfish here. I beg of you, DO. NOT. DO. THIS. There is no excuse for Donald Trump ascending to the presidency! On that day, no amount of pride, or ego, or pseudo-intellect, or conceit will save us – HE IS NOT AN OPTION. And again in case I wasn’t clear earlier, A THIRD PARTY CANDIDATE IS ALSO NOT AN OPTION.

Listen, Hillary might be kind of a sham on some things. I’m going to be honest, I don’t readily trust her, and I even less readily like her. If I had it my way, Michelle Obama would become president and then we could just do this again for eight more years. Except it would be better than the last eight because I’m also planning to vote everyone out of Congress, but I digress. What I’m saying is, sure, Hillary is not my favorite.


Do you REALLY want Donald Trump to have the Nuclear Codes at his Cheeto-colored fingertips? REALLY? No, think about that for a second, I’ll wait.

Like President Obama said, “Does anyone really believe that a guy who’s spent his 70 years on this Earth showing no regard for working people is suddenly going to be your champion? Your voice?” Do you want to tell your kids that you fucked up our economy and international standing because of your "principles"?! Come onnnn – PLEASE! Donald Trump is threatening the lives of immigrants, the rights of Muslims, and the strength of the Black Lives Matter movement. You’re not cooler if you write in a 3rd party candidate. You’re not being like, ~subversive and ~anti-establishment in the punk rock way, you’re being a fucking asshole. It’s selfish, it’s shortsighted, AND IT’S FUCKING US ALL OVER SO AGAIN I SAY UNTO YOU: PLEASE. DON’T. FUCKING. DO THIS.


Thank you, this has been a Public Service Announcement.